Obsession

Posted on 02 February 2010

First, no there weren’t blogs last week.  I was doing stuff.  I’ll try to give advanced warning to all two of you that might notice in the future.
Now then.  I’m going to guess that if you read my blog, you have probably noticed the super nifty phoenix in the upper left corner of my site.  I love that guy, and I shower many thanks on my webmistress/sister-that-isn’t/art coordinator for cleaning him up to the shining image he is today from the rather rough ink-drawing I had done years ago.  I’ve always liked the Phoenix.

And no, I’m not obsessed with it.  Well, maybe a little.  But it serves better as a metaphor for me obsessive nature.  Now, I’m not really OCD, but I do go through phases.  When I first get keen to something, it eats me whole.  It may on some days eat sunrise to sunset, but on other days I just think about it a lot while I do other things.  I go fully overboard on things, getting materials as needed, researching, building if applicable, and I tend to forget everything else.  This is kind of what happened to me last week.  First I was just being a little lazy and otherwise social, but then I got a task that ate my life until Saturday morning.

Which gets to the Phoenix metaphor (eventually).  All things are cyclic with me.  I go gung-ho, then something burns me out.  Either I injure myself, or politics go south, or I just get truly burned out and tired of what I was doing.  When this happens, I actually get fairly depressed.  Not clinical style, but I have a general lethargy that makes me a Gloomy Gus to be around.

That is, until I rise from the ashes.  Cause, sure enough, something else shiny is going to come along and pull me in, and then I’ll go full bore, almost forgetting my last obsession except as a reference point in life.  Examples of such things:

1) My Academics, probably my truest, longest obsession, but only cause it stayed fresh for so long by constantly changing what I was doing.
2) Fencing.  Yes, sword-play style.  Was huge on this in High School, but in college I let it slip away.
3) Improv Comedy.  This was a shared obsession with 4).  It only lasted about a semester and a half, though, and is part of why I left fencing.
4) Dagorhir/Belegarth Foam Fighting.  Medieval combat stuff. Faster and slightly more fun, if less artist than fencing.  I stayed strong on this for 3-4 years.

5) Final Fantasy 11.  My god this game sucked my very soul out.  I still feel twinges and longings to be able to log on and play, and I’ve been on the wagon for two years now.  The disaster of a game that was Age of Conan helped.
6) Karate.  I only did this for about three months and loved every eff’in moment of it.  Finances and my family-life situation made me stop going though, and I, well, don’t regret it, but miss it.

So, I have some current obsessions, too.
1) Hanging out downtown, in particular at the most awesome of Viking-themed bars.
2) Writing (duh).
3) And newly rediscovered: Belegarth.

So, I’m kind of worried.  I know my pattern.  I try and think of the good side of associating to the Phoenix, the “never going to keep me down” part, but I also can’t help but see the “I can’t stay up” either.  I know some will call me a pessimist, and I like to say I’m a realist, but perhaps I’m just an opposite-ist.  If things are up, I’m waiting for the fall, if things are down, I know the up is coming.  I am hoping that things are changing, though.  I don’t want to burn out on my new friends, and writing has actually been a passion of mine since before college, even if it comes and goes in its strength.  I wonder if, between downtown, writing, and my kids if I can truly have enough time to do Belegarth, too, especially since it is my intent to be a unit/realm leader.  Maybe I can learn to make the Phoenix rise from the ashes in the same place instead of always moving on.  Here’s to hope.  And, for some odd reason, I want to watch Chocolat right now.  Crazy.